History and Shakespearean prose tells us that a soothsayer cautioned Julius Ceasar to “Beware the Ides of March”. Of course, we all know that old Jules thought it was hogwash, and ended up getting knifed in the back after meeting up with some buddies at the Senate that day; but in these modern times, the usage of the word ‘Ides’ has been lost along with a lot of other jargon from the Roman calendar.

But I’m pretty sure that ‘Ides’ roughly translates to ‘Break’ – as in ‘March Break’, a time when all avenues to home improvement salvation and retaining your own sanity are lost.
A time when there are no plumbers, no electricians and no contractors…they are all taking luxurious, expensive vacations…that you paid for.
A time when you will still be without a washer and dryer, a time when you will not be able to work on anything worthy of this rare stretch of time, because the person who you need to finish their job before you can proceed is…on vacation.

It’s a time when you will have no hope, a time when all hell is bound to break loose…if it ever thaws, that is, because hell generally freezes over during March Break in Canada. It’s a given.

It’s a time when your five year-old will demand every scrap of your attention and waking hours, because every single one of her friends and their families are taking expensive vacations…somewhere warm and exotic.
It’s a time when you long for the week to be over and it’s only Wednesday, because you know that the closest you’ll get to actually being warm will be when you open the door of the industrial-sized dryer at the Laundromat…the most exotic location you’ll visit this week.

It’s that seven days of the year when you become acutely aware of your failures – you’re not able to provide a trip to Disneyland for your child to yak about in class next week, because your house has eaten up any possibility of a family vacation for the next several years. Your home is a complete disaster area, and you can’t even enjoy the simple (and free) pleasure of puttering in your own garden this week, because only idiots would step outside in this weather. If you dare plan any ‘educational outing’ with your child that involves visiting a museum, science centre, planetarium, art gallery or zoo, you will stand in line for an eternity with 10 million impatient, screaming children. And their parents, who are visibly losing it. As are you.

March Break. In my experience, its only existence is to suck the last remaining bit of life from your work-weary body, and your last shred of logical reason. It’s quite possibly the most foreboding and dangerous time of the year. So beware the ‘Ides’ of March.

Especially if you come anywhere near me on Monday and look restored, rested and tanned.